everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Is it because I queefed?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
