Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
