Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
