this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
