you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
