Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
