it was like his penis was on wheels.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
