I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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