i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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