Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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