i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
