All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
