mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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