Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
