My underwear smells like fireworks.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
