I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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