Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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