I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
do nipples grow back?
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