This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
