woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
