How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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