I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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