I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
