Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
