Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
