it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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