Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
