I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
