Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
