In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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