Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
