is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
