worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
