I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
