Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
