he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
