I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
