HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Randomize
