So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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