I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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