Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
