the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
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I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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