Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
