Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
