I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
