last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
