I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
They have beer where we have blood.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
