woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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