Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
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