tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
