all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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