I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
