Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
