I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
