Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
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i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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