I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
