I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
