It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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