haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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