I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
