Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
